she will be loved

Last night ay niyaya ako ng mga bestfirends kong lumabas. Nag- inum kami sa isang bar na may live band. Of course hindi ko pinalagpas ang pagkakataon na maki jam sa banda.

Habang binabanata ko ang kantang " She will be loved " ng marroon five ay biglaang nanikip ang dibdib ko, feeling ko sa puso, kasi alam ko pag lungs ang masakit. So this time I assumed that its my heart. Hangang matapos ang kanta ay nakahawak parin ako sa dibdib ko at kinakapos na ng hininga. Natapos ko naman ang kanta, of course palakpakan.

Lumapit sa table yung singer ng banda after ng last set nila. " Hang galing naman kumanta ng kaibigan mo, wika ni singer sa friend ko ". Tambling naman ako of course.

Natulog ako sa bahay ni bestfriend dahil itinuloy pa namin ang inuman sa kanila. 3:00 ng tanghali na ako nagising at habang nasa jeepney pauwi ay umatake na naman ang sikip ng dibdib ko. This is new to me, the first time and I want to document it.

When will I stop abusing myself? When will I stop smoking and drinking? Maybe never.

allison

Si Allison ay isang collector ng mga manikha, bata palang ay hilig na niyang mangolekta ng mga dolls. especially ang mga Barbie dolls. Since early sixtees during her early childhood. She had about a hundred and fifty of them. Late Seventies Allison was on her mid 20's. The right opportunity came for her to work abroad, somewhere in Europe. She was sad for the fact that she will have to leave her doll collection behind. Her house has a big storage space,The basement. So days before she left for Europe she carefully boxed her collection. Yung mga favorite niyang dolls, nilagay niya sa mga shoe boxes and meticilously wrapped them individually. Till there was the last two pairs, Her very first Barbie Doll and Ken doll, Fave niya kasi pinaka antique. When shes done wrapping all the dolls, she hid then at the back of other big boxes that was previously stored in the basement.

Then she left for Europe.

After 10 years she came back.

During her second day she looked at the basement to find the boxes the same way as she left them.

She opened the boxes one by one. It was around 9 in the evening while she was about to open the last box, the box which contained her favorite pair of Mattel dolls.

Biglaang humangin ng malakas. Kinilabutan si Allison at napraning na nagmasid sa paligid.

After a few seconds ay nawala ang malamig na hangin.

Katahimikan sa paligid. Nakiramdam si Allison sa paligid, ngunit wala..only dead silence.

huminga siya ng malalim at dahang dahang binuksan ang kahon ng sapatos kung saan nakalagay ang mga pabirito nyang dolls.

......"AYYYY P*T*NG IN* MO KA!"- Ang sigaw ni Allison.

Pagbukas niya kasi ng kahon ay lumundag ang isang malaking daga sa mukha niya.

Hehe wala lang..wala lang ma post.

how tired is too tired?

Recently nararamdaman ko na ang matinding pagod, matinding pagod ng puso, lamang loob at kaluluwa, kahahanap kung saan saan ng taong mamahalin ko at magmamahal sakin.Maski imposible ay sinusubukan ko parin maski na alam kong wala naman talaga akong mapapala. Nalaro ko na lahat ng laro ng pag-ibig. Ayoko ng gumawa ng paraan ayoko ng magsugal. gusto ko nalang huminto at hindi na ito hanapin pa habang akoy nabubuhay pa. Marahil tao lang ako, tao na walang control sa sarili at hindi alam ang gusto, bakit ko ba tinotorture ang sarili ko kung pwedeng pwede naman akong manahimik sa isang sulok at dun nalang mamalagi ng tahimik. Iniisip ko rin kung ano ano ba itong mga bagay bagay na nagbibigay sa akin ng false hope. Ayoko ko ng ubusin ang oras ko sa paghithit ng yosi, ayoko ng sunugin ang atay ko sa paglaklak ng alak. Ayoko ng makisalamuha sa mga tao. Gusto ko nalang manahimik sa isang madilim na sulok at maging masaya.

Sa totoo lang pagod na pagod na akong maging restless.

the prayer

I rarely cry. In fact it has been a very long time since someone saw me cry.

Let's just put it this way, a very close relative of mine is on the brink of her life. I tried to pull out jokes whenever we are together, just to avoid serious talk, but I always advice her to follow the doctors orders and so so. Doing all my best to put a smile on her face and avoid the drama. I try to put on a tough face which is extremely difficult at this point.

Last night I went drinking with some friends and when I got home just about to sleep tears flooded. This is the first time that someone this close to me is in this kind situation. I cried hard till I fell asleep.

I know at the end of the day that God will help her.

God bless our entire family.

If I could just replace her place I would do it, especially that there's a lot of people that depend on her. If I would exchange places with her I would request God to erase all memories of me, all of the memories of my parents and love ones of me as if I never existed.

Listening now to Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli's song: "The Prayer"

humanap ka ng panget

Hirap talaga. Kung sino pa yung panget, kung sino pa yung mukhang ungoy

ay siya pa ang walang manners, walang breeding at walang consideration.

Hayst! Panget na nga ang panlabas na anyo ay siyang panget rin ng kung ano ang nasa loob.

Hindi ako makapaniwalang na may mga taong pinanganak na walang kaganda ganda sa katawan.

this used to be my playground

Lately, every time I find myself in the middle of a crowded super noisy gimmikan, I ask myself, what the hell am I doing here? Nabibingi na ako, hindi nako nageenjoy, I find it a waste of time energy and money non the less it becomes extremely boring, although jampacked ng mga tao at mga pwedeng i flirt. I can still remember my early twenties, mid twenties and even the latter part of my twenties, i breath, feed, dwell on these places, but now I prefer staying at home. I come to the conclusion that maybe its just a phase or maybe tumatanda na ako talaga ako na I dont find these places uninteresting anymore, well I don't really know at this point, baka panandalian lang itong umay ko or maybe kailangan ko ng maghanap ng bagong paglilibangan.

tori

I've always loved Tori Amos, heres a set of songs that I have compiled. The reason why I love her is simply because her songs move me. Her songs are like paintings turned into music. Try listening to these songs.

[01] a sorta fairy tale

[02] black dove ( January )

[03] crucify

[04] cruel

[05] down by the sea

[06] iieee

[07] lust

[08] rattlesnakes

[09] silent all these years

[10] sleep with butterflies

[11] smells like teen spirit

[12] suede

[13] sweet the sting

[14] new age

[15] 1,000 oceans

tell me something that is not written in your resume

Here are the list nang mga company na napasukan ko ever since nagsimula akong magtrabaho ( In order )

[01] ****** ( Around 4 months )

[02] Epixstar ( Eliminated 3rd week of training )

[03] ****** ( Returned Around a year of stay )

[04] Sterling Global ( Eliminated 4th week of training )

[05] Ventus ( Quit during 3rd week of training )

[06] Transcom ( 5 months )

[07] Stellar ( Quit during nesting period )

[08] Ict- Sykes ( 5 months )

[09] ****** ( 3 months )

[10] Results ( Eliminated 3rd week of training )

[11] NCO ( Got accepted but did not continue )

[12] Sitel ( 4 months )

[13] ****** ( 1 week )

[14] Teleperformance ( Almost 1 Month ) (Jan 24-Feb 20 2012)

What a journey..May nakalimutan pa ata ako ilagay, di ko na maalala masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari.